By Ray Bentley and Richard Montague
First off, we don’t really see any reason to write an article about this. Mexico City is the greatest football team the Simulation Football League has ever seen, and frankly, one of the best football teams in human history, period. This season alone, they’ve posted a record-breaking* 8-4 win-loss ratio! That should, by and of itself, walk the Aztecs straight to the podium with their name plastered all over the trophy, but apparently things don’t work like that in this sadbaby loserworld of ours anymore. No matter to Ramos Lynn’s squad. This ragtag group of champions has never known the word “loss,” and that’s a fact you can take to the bank. The Bank… of Mexico City.
*Note: Record is amount of seasons Mexico City has been in the league (record currently stands at 7, from Season 5 as the Santa Fe Gorillas up through Season 12)
First, a little history for the uninformed. The Mexico City Aztecs were born at 9:57am in 2014 in sporting bet between eccentric billionaire James Cline and fellow rich-person and zeppelin enthusiast Joey “Ramos” Lynn. The resultant team, Lynn’s Santa Fe Gorillas, were so sh*t-hot that if it wasn’t for a bird (now known to be a rotten dove) spooking quarterback Dirk McGurk in the fourth quarter of Season 5’s championship game, we would have been witness to the greatest sports dynasty of our time. After having both the bird and McGurk boiled alive, Mexico added Matt Willson, and the rest is history. In Season 9, the Aztecs were able to get revenge for their botched championship run, finally taking home the trophy and torching a section of forest those doves were known to roost in. Ever since, Mexico City has been a consistent force in the league, shaming and embarrassing the other peewee squads that deign to call themselves teams. Enough about the past, though. Let’s talk about the present.
Interviewed after their last game of the season, Head Coach Ramos had this to say:
“We know something special is happening this season. I can feel it. The boys can feel it. The fans can feel it. The crowd is electric at each and every game and I do believe we have to credit their support for some of our positive results. We need to focus now and not let the pressure break us. We can win another championship.”
It has been a few seasons since the Aztecs hoisted the trophy but all the ingredients of that season seem to be back. The offense has been firing on all cylinders with Ray Bentley leading the charge. Stellar performances from Matt Willson, K.L. “The Killer” Barrett, Richard “Miracle” Montague and Mike “Daddy” Daggs have each complemented the high scoring offense that has made this team such a blast to watch. Even the neutral observer can’t help but find exhilaration in this team’s scoring prowess. In the first game of the season, Hall of Famer Matt Willson became so fed up with the sluggish offense of the opposing team, he lofted them two pick-sixes in a row, screaming “DO I HAVE TO SCORE ALL THE POINTS MYSELF?”. Just a few games later, the Aztecs pulled off two back-to-back shutouts, scoring an uncontested 89 points at home and away like some kind of extremely awesome football superstars who should just be the champions already, damn.
And that’s not to say that the defense hasn’t been pulling its weight either. Pablo Zamora, the Daggs twins Jeff and Nick, constantly vomiting Han Tyumi, Fran “The Man” Ogawa, and Jack “16th Best” Brown are all received like pro-wrestlers by the crowd when they emerge from the tunnel, and with good reason. This defense has not allowed a single touchdown from opposing teams all season (EDITOR’S NOTE: Needs to be fact-checked [EDITOR’s NOTE: statement is true; verified on Snopes.com]).
The only player we can afford to not mention is Kole Varner. He’s the kicker.
Just kidding. Boy what a leg Varner has. I’d swear he’s a cyborg. One.. one day we’ll find out. See what color that robot’s blood is. We’ll see, Kole, you frightening, automatic-field-goal making machine monstrosity. We’ll see.
These next few steps toward ultimate glory come on the heels of the last season when Willson suffered some blows – a personal low via a felony littering conviction, as well as the loss of the family boa constrictor, Emiliano. Family and friends say he truly has taken this as an opportunity to learn and grow personally, and we’ve seen the change ourselves. He’s still the leader on the field and his team is behind him 100%. This is a brilliant golden tale of redemption. I’ll be plum surprised if there is not a movie about this story in a couple years, starring Sandra Bullock for some reason.
It’s time to wrap this up. Let’s break it down for the all the teams in the playoffs so we can all agree and go home and take a long, reflective shower, and forget this all happened.
ALASKA STORM: Chumps
DENVER NIGHTWINGS: Chumps
DALLAS LOBOS: Chumps
BALTIMORE VULTURES: Chumps
NEW ORLEANS PHARAOHS: Chumps
SIOUX FALLS SPARROWS: Chumps
TALLAHASSEE PRIDE: Chumps
QUEEN CITY CORSAIRS: Chumps
LAS VEGAS FURY: Chumps
MEXICO CITY AZTECS: Champs.
Don’t fret SFL, you’re only one vowel away from greatness.