By Ray Bentley, Tyler Kane and Richard Montague

Hello, and good day to you all, gentle readers. My deepest apologies, dredged up from some unknown ocean trenches, to you all for the tardiness of my power rankings this week. I know! It is not in my nature to be so sluggish and slothful, but I confess I used a handicap this week to help me along with the power rankings. After my ordeal involving an unholy amount of international foods, my writing abilities, as well as esophagus and torso muscles, were exhausted. Fortunately, I was able to wrangle the help of two prominent children, Tyler Kane and Richard “Miracle” Montague, to hoarsely whisper ranking secrets to. While Tyler was able to use his childlike innocence and deep knowledge of Fortnite lore to give accurate, 10-year-old views on the power rankings, Richard sent each of his entries to me in via a Tim Allen Grunt soundboard, so they have been translated from onomatopoeia to the best of our ability. Here now, for your reading pleasure, are the Pump Fake Season 12 Week 4 Power Rankings, co-authored by Tyler Kane and Richard Montague:

Denver Nightwings (4-0)

Jeremy Vega’s team is flying high in Colorado, with an undefeated season no longer a pipe dream. Will their winning streak go up in a cloud of smoke, or will they, to be blunt, weed out another victory? ~ Ray Bentley

Alaska Storm (2-1)

They’re basically the Patriots. ~ Tyler Kane

Las Vegas Fury (2-1)

Sounds like Nick Fury. I don’t really like Nick Fury, so… I don’t have any more comments on them! ~ Tyler Kane

Chicago Wildcats (3-1)

Chicago finds themselves in fourth place this week after righting a ship many had written off as “sunken” by Vancouver the week before. I find this especially strange, because Chicago are the Wildcats, and not in any way boat-themed. The Chicago Schooners? Come on. Get out of here. ~ Ray Bentley

New Orleans Pharaohs (2-2)

This ranking was one of the most contentious, as I fought with my own body’s need to expel more of the evil foodstuffs eaten the week before with the need to finish writing this selfsame paragraph. Oh, no. It’s too late. ~ Ray Bentley

Queen City Corsairs (2-2)

(pirate accent) YARRRR where’s me hand?! ~ Tyler Kane

Tulsa Desperados (3-1)

This is a good team, because I like the name Ashley! ~ Tyler Kane (EDITOR’S NOTE: Tulsa is quarterbacked by Ashley Jackson)

Mexico City Aztecs (3-1)

GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD because they’re our team. ~ Tyler Kane (EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to clear writer favouritism, this team’s ranking was lowered to a more appropriate placing to counteract the bias.)

Tallahassee Pride (1-2)

They could be a decent team. ~ Tyler Kane

Vancouver Legion (2-2)

Oh my gosh, we’re doing Canada for our school’s International Night. But, my friend’s Canadian, and he speaks with an Australian accent. Like in Canada. ~ Tyler Kane

Oklahoma City Renegades (2-2)

It’s the battle mankind has always dreamt of: a contingent of rootin’, tootin’ shootin’ cowboys taking on a gam of sharks. Fortunately for the denizens of Tornado Alley, they were able to yodel yippie-aye-ayy-oh, yippie-aye-oooh over the bloated bodies of some toothy cartilage boys this week. ~ Ray Bentley

San Francisco Sharks (2-2)

I like sharks! (upon being told the color scheme of the Sharks) WELL, DUH. ~ Tyler Kane

Sioux Falls Sparrows (1-3)

This season marks the 4th season anniversary of the storied season Sioux Falls had four seasons ago. Much like that season, the frustration is palpable with both the fans and inside the locker room. Running back Colin Hart is dealing with some public backlash after his DUI arrest following their miserable defeat to Alaska. QB Julian Tyree refused to comment on the matter but said the team had a midweek retreat in the Ozarks to “smooth some stuff out and get back on track.” A more focused and invigorated Sioux Falls team is on the horizon. ~ Richard Montague

Atlanta Swarm (1-3)

Hmm. I’m out of ideas. I’ve been stung by a wasp before though! Does it wasps or bees that sting? ~ Tyler Kane

Dallas Lobos (2-2)

Dallas lost ballast against callous Nightwings in Denver palace; backdropped against the borealis while McChesney’s malice was capped by a run that can only be described as pha- CENSORED. ~ Ray Bentley

Houston Hyenas (1-3)

When I attempted to get Tyler to talk about the Houston Hyenas, he just launched into a high pitched laugh. I was not able to confirm whether or not he knows they are laughing creatures, or if he was just completely amused by the name itself. ~ Ray Bentley / Tyler Kane

Indianapolis Spitfire (1-3)

Indianapolis soars to a better ranking this week after showing the London Knights what for. Ironic, considering the Spitfire is a British plane, and – oh, hold on, it’s the Semantics Police, here to arrest everyone. RUN! ~ Ray Bentley

Carolina Skyhawks (1-3)

It sounds like they could fly through a few (SFL Championships). Oh! I have a friend whose last name is Hawk! But they’re not Stephen Hawk. He died. ~ Tyler Kane

St. Louis Gladiators (1-3)

It is no stretch of the imagination to say that it has been a newsworthy season for the St. Louis Gladiators. The highly publicized attempt by the team’s minority stakeholder, secretive billionaire Ethelbert Northwoode, to curb the Gladiators’ fans tradition of throwing items onto the field during the game has resolutely backfired. Last season’s field splatterings of melons and persimmons have been replaced with dead squids and other assorted seafoods. This is especially impressive considering the landlocked nature of St. Louis. ~ Richard Montague

London Knights (1-3)

(hums off-key James Bond theme song while attempting stunts at the local mall food court). ~ Tyler Kane

Baltimore Vultures (2-1)

Attention parents: Lock up your crabs and Old Bay cabinets! Baltimore is on BYE this week. Heartthrob Vultures star kicker Shark Tarkington was spotted touring the Inner Harbor Aquarium with his new flavor of the month: actress Diane Keaton. His Hollywood persona seems to be looming just as large as his on-field presence! ~ Richard Montague

A hearty, special thanks once again to Richard Montague, known worldwide as the objectively most handsome receiver in the Simulation Football League, and Tyler Kane, a rising star in the world of power rankings as well as a hopeful Aztec aspirant. I fear that my writing ability will return to close to one hundred percent next week, sloughing off such gimmicks from the past weeks while embracing some other fool’s venture. Until then, adieu, my friends, and good day – until the next time we meet*!

*my watching you from afar as you sleep does not count

Richard Montague

Tyler Kane