By Ray Bentley 

PUMP FAKE: Season 12 Week 3 Power Rankings

A fine how-do-you-do to the readers of the Pump Fake column. It’s been a few days since I’ve last seen you! How are you all? Come in! Sit down, sit down! You look exhausted, friends, please, take your shoes off, make yourself comfortable! I have a hot cauldron of soup brewing in the kitchen, as well as a steaming mug of takes and rankings for you all. Please, pull up a chair, and listen to my tale of how the latest batch of power rankings were so lovingly crafted.

While sickness and otherwordly issues (it would appear those vomiting ants were also, somehow, ghost-adjacent) kept me from viewing the SFL game slate in Week 2, in Week 3 I was all in. My gentleman’s gentleman and occasional famulus Harrison sat and watched each game and delivered detailed, handwritten notes to me, as he has previously learned from my vile temper that anything less than perfect will result in a trip to “The Sad Room.” Clutching his list close to my chest, I then immediately ordered enough Chinese food to result in 21 separate fortune cookies, but apparently 21 orders of delicious crab rangoon do not make the cut, so, bloated and tired, I ordered 21 actual meals and began the quest for each team’s fortune. Below, dear readers, are my gastrointestinally distressing results:

1. Denver Nightwings (3-0) – L23 Beef & Broccoli

Fortune: Live like you are on the bottom, even if you are on the top.
Learn Chinese: Red = Hong-se
Lucky numbers: 34-41-16-23-48-09

2. New Orleans Pharaohs (2-1) – L31 Hunan Shrimp

Fortune: Luck sometimes visits a fool, but it never sits down with him.
Learn Chinese: Hope = Xīw’ng
Lucky numbers: 03-07-37-38-40-45

3. Baltimore Vultures (2-1) – L27 Shredded Beef in Garlic Sauce   

Fortune: You will always be surrounded by true friends.
Learn Chinese: Ugly = Chǒul’u
Lucky numbers: 34-16-8-27-38-9

4. Tulsa Desperados (2-1) – L45 Asparagus Combination

Fortune: Be a good friend and a fair enemy.

Learn Chinese: How much = Duo-Shao qian

Lucky numbers: 36-21-17-38-43-14

5. Queen City Corsairs (2-1) – L41 Triple Delight

Fortune: In music, one must think with his heart and feel with his brain.

Learn Chinese: Summer = xia-tian

Lucky numbers: 56-13-22-31-15-18

6. Vancouver Legion (2-1) – L37 Crystal Scallops

Fortune: The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Learn Chinese: Banana = Xiang Jiao

Lucky numbers: 04-07-09-27-42-39

7. Alaska Storm (1-1) – Hot & Spicy Bean Curd

Fortune: Your passions sweep you away.
Learn Chinese: Bowling = Bao ling qiu
Lucky numbers: 2-14-15-23-24-34

8. Mexico City Aztecs (2-1) – L09 Chicken with Broccoli (Extra Spicy)

Fortune: Discover the power within yourself.
Learn Chinese: Trip on the Street = Pook-Guy
Lucky numbers: 03-05-46-39-22-2

9. Chicago Wildcats (2-1) – L24 Beef with Mixed Vegetables

Fortune: Action speaks nothing, without the Motive.

Learn Chinese: Neck = Bo zi

Lucky numbers: 2-14-17-28-36-40

10. San Francisco Sharks (2-1) – L16 Double Cooked Pork

Fortune: Make the system work for you, not the other way around.
Learn Chinese: Child = hai zi
Lucky numbers: 29-31-09-24-08-13

11. Dallas Lobos (2-1) – L22 Hot & Spicy Szechuan Beef

Fortune: Don’t wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it.

Learn Chinese: Ox = niu

Lucky numbers: 29-56-21-02-06-32

12. London Knights (1-2) – L38 Treasures of the Sea

Fortune: Your future will be happy and productive.
Learn Chinese: Good Friend = hao pun yao

Lucky numbers: 14-36-25-78-96-84

13. Atlanta Swarm (1-2) – L42 Shrimp & Chicken Combo

Fortune: You are admired by everyone for your talent and ability.

Learn Chinese: bacon = bacon

Lucky numbers: 12-14-24-25-29-44

14. Sioux Falls Sparrows (1-2) – L05 General Tso’s Chicken

Fortune: Today is going to be a disastrous day, be prepared!

Learn Chinese: war =  Zhànzhēng

Lucky numbers: 34-04-12-37-32-33

15. Oklahoma City Renegades (1-2) – Combo Fried Rice

Fortune: You love peace.

Learn Chinese: Friend = Péngyǒu

Lucky numbers: 3-13-33-43-8-10

16. St. Louis Gladiators (1-2) – L04 Moo Goo Gai Pan

Fortune: The majority of the word “can’t” is can.

Learn Chinese: courage = Yǒngqì

Lucky numbers: 11-17-18-25-29-36

17. Carolina Skyhawks (1-2) L20 Pork with String Bean

Fortune: Word to the wise: Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn………

Learn Chinese: Always Smile = Wei Xiao Zai Wo Xin

Lucky numbers: 3-10-14-33-39-44

18. Tallahassee Pride (0-2) – L12 Chicken String Bean

Fortune: All progress occurs because people dare to be different.
Learn Chinese: To see a doctor = kan bing
Lucky numbers: 42-43-14-12-10-24

19. Indianapolis Spitfire (0-3) – Beef Fried Rice

Fortune: For true love? Send real roses preserved in 24kt gold!
Learn Chinese: Basketball = Lan qui
Lucky numbers: 24-25-34-11-48-9

20. Houston Hyenas (0-3) – Combo Chow Mein

Fortune:You have a reputation for being straightforward and honest.
Learn Chinese: kamuioag = kamuioag

Lucky numbers: 09-27-21-33-37-36

21. Las Vegas Fury (2-0) – L15 Sweet & Sour Pork

Fortune: You cannot become rich except by enriching others.
Learn Chinese: Dinner = Wan-fan
Lucky numbers: 10-15-24-26-29-48

With the spectre of projectile vomit rapidly approaching, I was able to hand the list off to Harrison to send in to the publishing mines before just absolutely barfing everywhere. Projectile didn’t even begin to describe the horrifying spewhose my body transformed into. Folks, just incredibly vile amounts of half-digested meals, bile, ichor, and the bones of several past enemies. It will take poor Harrison weeks to drain and clean the foyer, but I have a feeling that he’s up to it*. Unfortunately for me, that means I can no longer employ his services in watching the games, leaving the Power Rankings for next week to discover a different format. Once more into the breach, dear friends! Once more!

*once he’s finished, I think I’ll treat him to a nice Chinese meal.