By Ray Bentley

Ladies and gentlemen (OF WHICH THERE ARE FEW) of the Simulation Football League, I must extend my deepest and most awkwardly moist apologies. Due to a combination of illnesses and infestations, all ant-based, this writer was unable to view even a single moment of white-hot SFL action this weekend. However, never fear – Ray Bentley would never let a simple thing like vomiting ants (both an action performed, and the terrible creatures dealt with) stop him from producing quality content for the league’s website. Using everything at my disposal, I was able to finally find a random haiku and ranking generator to create the SFL’s most scientifically accurate set of rankings since the Power Rankings were run by the crainially disturbed Doctor Alan Q. Frankenstein in Season 6. Here now, for your reading pleasure, are the Week 2 Power Rankings:

1. New Orleans Pharaohs

First Cajun Pharaoh,

a human, Gold, defeats Swarm –

sits atop rankings

2. Baltimore Vultures

    Second Baltimore

    Surprisingly, one point game

    Takess an L this time

3. Chicago Wildcats

    The Windy City

    Revenge; Wildcats clip past

old foes the Aztecs

#14 Buchanon Simons

4. Sioux Falls Sparrows

    In South Dakota

    A prideful sparrow flying

    Over the lion

5. Vancouver Legion

Dismal Vancouver

    in fifth; chilly Legion slips

    thanks to some pirates

6. Dallas Lobos

    Scatterbrained Lobos

    “Let’s put in the backups, guys!”

    Gave some heart attacks

#32 Zach Sandlin

7. Oklahoma City Renegades

    Central Sooner State –

    Gateway team no match against

OKC’s Doyle

8. Mexico City Aztecs

    Mexico City –

Former champ Willson loses

In spite of the Daggs’

9. Tulsa Desperados

    Dangerous idea

    to practice against real wolves.

    Lesson learned, Tulsa.

#99 Espnn Ry’ale

10. Denver Nightwings

    Mile-high city soars

    when Night takes on Knight; London,

    though, sought to end flight

11. London Knights

    Downtrodden Queen’s men

    in part, due to tiny loss

of only three points

12. Tallahassee Pride

    Savannah lions

    cannot take the weather in

    Sioux Falls, nor birds too

13. Las Vegas Fury

    Fury wins, yet falls?

   What kind of clown shoes rankings

are these, you monster!

#35 Anthony Wyo

14. San Francisco Sharks

    Cartilage beasts swim,

    bloody waters in Indy

    which, folks, is landlocked

15. St. Louis Gladiators

    Meandering thoughts

    while the Gladiators fall

    to Oklahoma

#14 Badr Ajlouni

16. Atlanta Swarm

    Not so Hotlanta;

a vast, hive of Swarm swatted:

Creole Pest Control

17. Queen City Corsairs

    Privateers, scally-

    wags, picaroons, and all such

    took the Legion’s win

18. Houston Hyenas

    No Hyenas laugh

    as Houston fell to quite the

    Savage gameplan here

#5 Kentez Johnson

19. Carolina Skyhawks

    Carolina rights

    ship, routs Houston, earns respect –

  but still, nineteenth

20. Indianapolis Spitfire

    Indy! Indy! screams

  Shortstop, but for naught – Kali

  Shark has their heart now

21. Alaska Storm

    Icy last frontier

    took a week off to soul search

    will return, stronger

#69 Alex Dominguez
#95 Kevin Bane

Upon completion of the Power Rankings / haiku generation, the machine burst into oily, green flame, and the sounds of damned spirits escaping and shouting UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! was heard throughout the facility. Local SFL Demonologist and Head of Social Media Andy Hamilton was called in for his expertise. Without the aid of the terrible machine to generate the rankings, extremely scientifically and in no way merely just randomized, next week’s rankings will be an unorganized mess of gut-feelings and emotional knee-jerks, so enjoy your cold machine efficiency while you can!