By Ray Bentley
Ladies and gentlemen (OF WHICH THERE ARE FEW) of the Simulation Football League, I must extend my deepest and most awkwardly moist apologies. Due to a combination of illnesses and infestations, all ant-based, this writer was unable to view even a single moment of white-hot SFL action this weekend. However, never fear – Ray Bentley would never let a simple thing like vomiting ants (both an action performed, and the terrible creatures dealt with) stop him from producing quality content for the league’s website. Using everything at my disposal, I was able to finally find a random haiku and ranking generator to create the SFL’s most scientifically accurate set of rankings since the Power Rankings were run by the crainially disturbed Doctor Alan Q. Frankenstein in Season 6. Here now, for your reading pleasure, are the Week 2 Power Rankings:
1. New Orleans Pharaohs
First Cajun Pharaoh,
a human, Gold, defeats Swarm –
sits atop rankings
2. Baltimore Vultures
Second Baltimore
Surprisingly, one point game
Takess an L this time
3. Chicago Wildcats
The Windy City
Revenge; Wildcats clip past
old foes the Aztecs
#14 Buchanon Simons
4. Sioux Falls Sparrows
In South Dakota
A prideful sparrow flying
Over the lion
5. Vancouver Legion
Dismal Vancouver
in fifth; chilly Legion slips
thanks to some pirates
6. Dallas Lobos
Scatterbrained Lobos
“Let’s put in the backups, guys!”
Gave some heart attacks
#32 Zach Sandlin
7. Oklahoma City Renegades
Central Sooner State –
Gateway team no match against
OKC’s Doyle
8. Mexico City Aztecs
Mexico City –
Former champ Willson loses
In spite of the Daggs’
9. Tulsa Desperados
Dangerous idea
to practice against real wolves.
Lesson learned, Tulsa.
#99 Espnn Ry’ale
10. Denver Nightwings
Mile-high city soars
when Night takes on Knight; London,
though, sought to end flight
11. London Knights
Downtrodden Queen’s men
in part, due to tiny loss
of only three points
12. Tallahassee Pride
Savannah lions
cannot take the weather in
Sioux Falls, nor birds too
13. Las Vegas Fury
Fury wins, yet falls?
What kind of clown shoes rankings
are these, you monster!
#35 Anthony Wyo
14. San Francisco Sharks
Cartilage beasts swim,
bloody waters in Indy
which, folks, is landlocked
15. St. Louis Gladiators
Meandering thoughts
while the Gladiators fall
to Oklahoma
#14 Badr Ajlouni
16. Atlanta Swarm
Not so Hotlanta;
a vast, hive of Swarm swatted:
Creole Pest Control
17. Queen City Corsairs
Privateers, scally-
wags, picaroons, and all such
took the Legion’s win
18. Houston Hyenas
No Hyenas laugh
as Houston fell to quite the
Savage gameplan here
#5 Kentez Johnson
19. Carolina Skyhawks
Carolina rights
ship, routs Houston, earns respect –
but still, nineteenth
20. Indianapolis Spitfire
Indy! Indy! screams
Shortstop, but for naught – Kali
Shark has their heart now
21. Alaska Storm
Icy last frontier
took a week off to soul search
will return, stronger
#69 Alex Dominguez
#95 Kevin Bane
Upon completion of the Power Rankings / haiku generation, the machine burst into oily, green flame, and the sounds of damned spirits escaping and shouting UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! was heard throughout the facility. Local SFL Demonologist and Head of Social Media Andy Hamilton was called in for his expertise. Without the aid of the terrible machine to generate the rankings, extremely scientifically and in no way merely just randomized, next week’s rankings will be an unorganized mess of gut-feelings and emotional knee-jerks, so enjoy your cold machine efficiency while you can!
