By Christian Pundt

This is a NOT Mock Draft. If you take this seriously, I can’t help you. For those of you who are reading this little intro and then notice the haters in the public chats…just… I don’t even know… tell them to go read the article back again beginning to end…please…we need the viewership.

(Disclaimer: This draft was written before the announcement of the official draft order for tonight.)

1. St. Louis Gladiators – QB Jonny Savage
There’s only one correct choice. Only one player brings the identity and toughness to the number one overall pick in the draft like Savage does. Heck, he already has coaching experience. That’s always a resume builder.

2. Dallas Lobos – K Kramer Jackman
I like Crash. I really do. But Tristan Carr is his AGM. And Tristan will find a way to take a kicker at #2. That’s not a knock on Jackman – who in all likelihood will go on to be the best kicker in Lobo history – but nonetheless… a kicker.

3. Oklahoma City Renegades – WR Garren Malone III
These guys go waaay baack. Like waaay baaack. All the way to the Season 11 Baltimore Vultures, where Malone was the GM and #1 WR, while current OKC GM Shea Carroll was a scout and #2 WR. I just have to believe it would be so funny if Carroll drafts Malone, makes him his Assistant GM, and makes him the #2 WR. Do it Shea. Do. It.

4. Denver Nighthawks – RB Reggie Streeter
Is it just me. Or does Jeremy Vega and Jarrod McChesney seem close? Toooo close… Hmmm… They must be covering something up… I think they’re having issues. Jeremy takes advantage of the situation and goes and gets one of the top players in the entire class.

5. London Knights – WR Rich Pratchard
I was lucky enough to be invited to the London offseason planning meeting. I overhead Slinn Shady interject into Jeff Melinyshyn discussing the pros and cons of Randy Mercury and Justin Jones and suggest that the Knights weren’t passing enough last season. The only logical conclusion is to get a fourth WR.

6. San Francisco Sharks – FB Jamal Wooding
San Francisco needs a blocker for Dylan Aciel and Ogun Zulu. They have a two-headed rushing monster out of the backfield but no one to lead block for either of them. Here is there golden ticket.

7. Indianapolis Red Devils – QB TD Drew
Tanner Hendrix is just sitting here perplexed as to how in the world the rest of the SFL community let a max silver, top-of-the-line QB fall to his Red Devil team at #7. Sheesh man. This is why us Tallahassee guys stick together.

8. Tulsa Desperados – FB Dion Hawkins
Time will tell if Sonzo Robinson lives up to the legacy of that great running back in Tulsa, but in the meantime they’ll copy that power running out of the backfield Max Paul is carrying and grab that man to join him in the backfield. It’ll be the perfect mix of past and present, power and speed… never mind San Francisco… THIS will be the best backfield in the league.

9. Atlanta Swarm – CB Moody Mitchell
This seems to have worked out (well except for Mitchell’s QB dreams). Moody wound up on a good team. Atlanta got the defensive back they needed. When asked about the legality of selecting a rookie that played with the team just last season, Swarm General Manager Marcus Dunhill said “What’re they going to do? Andy’s on the clock. His pick is already in and he wouldn’t let them wait anyways.”

10. Vancouver Legion – LB Zack Sandlin
Another top player falls into the hands of a team on the cusp of the playoffs. Another season where Vancouver picks up a top prospect. When asked about the pick, Vancouver Legion Owner Andy Hamilton said, via his penthouse suite in Baltimore, “We didn’t feel like Levant Irvine was doing the trick. We needed someone with the dog in him and only the Sandman brings that.”

11. New Orleans Pharaohs – WR Ashley Jackson
See guys? This is why you didn’t let the QB be the GM. Xander decides to pass on one of the top end RBs and go after another WR to pass with. TJ Cags and Thomas Paterniti can be heard cursing in the background.

12. Carolina Skyhawks – SS Jonny Savage
Thiefed. The Skyhawks go and redraft Jonny Savage to fill out their defense. Christopher Colon seems to have found a loophole in the system. They only say you have to sign with the team that drafted you to sign at value… technically Savage was drafted by both St. Louis AND Carolina… Guess it all works out for everyone in the end? Especially when they draft Moody Mitchell first overall on Tuesday in the real draft and get a long-term franchise QB.

13. Las Vegas Fury – CB Thomas Ramen Jr.
Look. The only team Thomas Ramen Jr. wants to play for is Las Vegas. Vegas needs another CB. It makes too much sense to happen. This is a Not Mock Draft. Therefore: my pick.

14. Alaska Storm (trade with Sioux Falls Sparrows) – DT Denzel Maverick
Of course. Ooooooooof course. Alex Dominguez wasn’t good enough for you, Mighty. Kevin Bane wasn’t good enough for you, Mighty. Y’all would – of course – find a way to trade up in one round draft to get another pass rusher. I’m done. I’m just done.

15. Queen City Corsairs – RB Justin Jones
Gotcha. I’m not done. I’ll never be done. Anyways, if there’s one player we know that Queen City won’t be re-signing, it will be still-Free Agent incumbent Corsair RB Ash Odom. Here’s their replacement.

(Update: Apparently QCC re-signed Ash Odom. Whoops.)

16. Chicago Wildcats – QB Stephen Hacker
Chicago is realizing their mistake now. ET King’s value is too low and the only thing they can do about it is to draft a second QB to sub in on passing downs to accommodate for how low value he is. THAT’S 5D chess Mo.

17. Baltimore Vultures – WR John Barnhart
As it turns out, this was Baltimore’s third attempted selection on draft night, but unlike the operation in Vancouver, Mexico City took extremely long to make their pick so Cam forced TJ and TPat resubmit their picks each time. C’mon guys… y’all know that Garren and AJ have already been drafted!

18. Mexico City Aztecs – K Kentez Johnson
Given Ramos’s obsession with the kicker position and field goals, it only made sense he would draft the last remaining rookie from the Season 11 class. It was always widely rumored that Johnson would be available as a special teamer but no one thought it would actually happen.

19. Houston Hyenas – CB Jam Pierson
There appeared to be a certain amount of shock from H-Town after, what appeared to be, Mexico City stealing their QB to play for them. Nevertheless, they opted to select a cornerback. Wait a second… This pick seems too realistic.

20. Tallahassee Pride – RB Jukin Roukyn
One RB wasn’t enough… it just wasn’t enough… AJ Francis is a good RB and all that but when asked for comment, Tallahassee General Manager Christian Christiansen had to say “look we feel our one problem from last season was that we weren’t running the ball enough”. EJ DeCue added “we need to get the ball out of our turnover prone QB’s hands”.

21. Sioux Falls Sparrows (trade with Alaska Storm) – CB Jakob Gustafson
Look Jacen… I get it… you like trading down… but in a one round draft, what’re you getting? You know what? To each their own. I can respect that. Y’all still got a good guy to fill out your roster.