By Ray Bentley
For the Pump Fake team to truly do its job well, it needs to warm up, stretch, get those writing muscles limber and ready to work. As this writer soon discovered, writing muscles do not actually exist, and after a long period of recovery and rehabilitation at the local veterenarian, I was ready to interview some fresh meat. Interviewee Stephen Hacker, formerly known as the Indianapolis Devil Thad Castle, violently screamed “I volunteer!” when the rookie community was asked whom among them would step up and have their voices heard on the SFL website. After a brief meet, cute and requisite falling out, I found Mr. Hacker in a dimly lit booth of the local T.J. McGillicuddy’s, on his fifth plate of an endless Mozzarella Stick Odyssey. Here, edited for clarity and with innuendos removed, is the ‘Pump Fake’ Rookie Interview that transpired.
RB: What is your name, preferred on-field position, and how did you come to join the SFL?
Hacker: Stephen Hacker, QB/RB. Found the SFL while browsing YouTube. Formerly Thad Castle of the Indianapolis Devils – wanted to increase my visibility and thought the draft was the best way to go about that.
RB: Who would win in a fight: Indiana Jones or Han Solo? Explain your answer.
SH: Fist fight between Jones/Solo goes to Jones. Solo got captured, Chewie did all the heavy lifting. Indy was in the mess, always came out on top. Dude resisted the temptations of the holy grail = gawd mode. Also, Nazi destroyer.
RB: Name the first three unique Prime Ministers of Australia in 15 seconds. (Sir Edmund Barton / Alfred Deakin / Chris Watson)
SH: Archduke Tiddles; Sir Steve Irwin Count Olaf. 0/3 – A POOR FIT FOR A DOWN UNDER TEAM – TAKE NOTE, MELBOURNE POISON SNAKES!
RB: Which 90s song best describes your on-field work?
SH: Salt N Pepa – Push It
Smooth beats, just like I’m going to do against opponents; uptempo like I like to run my offense. All time great – like I aim to be.
RB: Rank these exotic pets in order of which you’d most like to eat to least:
|MY PICKS||STEPHEN’S PICKS|
|1. Tarantula||Pet Rock – Thad Castle wasn’t made up of *flesh* now, people.|
|2. Boa Constrictor||Hedgehog|
|3. Spider Monkey||Tarantula|
|4. Toucan||Boa Constrictor|
|5. Hedgehog||Spider Monkey|
|6. Pet Rock||Toucan|
RB: What are your pets named? What are *my* pets named (4 dogs, 1 rat)?
SH: Lady(Great Dane) Chunky (cat) Dexter(cat) Lou(cat)…Tinky Winky / Dipsy / Lala / Po / Splinter – this is TOO MANY COPYRIGHTED NAMES and therefore this answer is DISQUALIFIED – and also they are named Copper / Lady / Maggie / Taxi / Splort.
RB: Throwing up or throwing down?
SH: Throw down – Because puking is the worst
RB: MY MAN!
We high fived like gentlemen, as the police the restaurant manager had called stormed in, taking me into custody. I loudly berated the officers for their poor haircuts, awkward gaits and dishrag-looking uniforms, but in the back of my mind, my thoughts were finely attuned on Jonny Savage, and my unending need to know what his feet looked like.
Stay tuned for more nonsensical yarn from our ‘Pump Fake’ Team!