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By Dylan Aciel

Step 1) Join the Discord

This is an important step that a lot of rookies miss. Not joining the discord means you will most likely not get drafted, although there have been several notable players to be drafted without being in the discord. This includes (but is not limited to) Curtis Hamilton Jr., Tom Pepper, and former U.S. President George H.W. Bush.

Step 2) Ask What Bits Are

It’s okay, nobody really knows what bits are. You’ll most likely get a vague answer about progression and ads on twitch, but don’t let that fool you, only Cam knows the true power of bits. Also, contrary the popular belief, the league does not use the bits as revenue. Rather, they re-cheer the bits to their favorite Minecraft streamers.

Step 3) Choose the Hardest Position to Get

‘I think I wanna be a quarterback, just like all the other rookies’… There’s what, three QB openings and twenty-five rookie QBs? Ah well, I guess if I CAN’T become a QB I’ll settle for running back, but if you put me on defense I’ll quit the league.

Step 4) Talk

Talk…And talk…And talk…And talk. Doesn’t matter what it’s about. Talk about how your mom is making casserole for dinner; talk about your favorite hockey team; talk about penguin mating patterns, it doesn’t matter. Just talk. Anything to keep that chat score up.

Step 5) Harass the Owners

I’ve found that the best strategy for talking to owners is to send them a message, wait 5 minutes, and if they haven’t responded, send them another. Repeat until you finally get a response. And even if they say they don’t have an opening, keep asking. They’re probably lying. And when all else fails, just ask them to DM you in the public chat, Pee Wee Reubens style.

Step 6) Act Like You’re an Expert

Order an Xbox 360 and All Pro Football on Amazon. After playing it for 5 minutes, you will know everything about the game. Start applying for coaching jobs. Make your own teams. Obsessively play it, despite your family begging you to go outside. ‘It’s been 3 months, this isn’t healthy Jeremy‘.

Step 7) Wait 2 Months

Step 8) Upon Being Drafted, Claim Your Crown as the Best Player in the League

No matter how misguided, every rookie must believe they are the league MVP. Whether you’re a QB, linebacker, or safety, your confidence in your own play must completely engulf reality, as well as the opinions of others.

P.S. It was Kentez, Aman, and Kye.

Step 9) Go Inactive After 2 Weeks and Screw Your Team Over.

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