By Ray Bentley
SFL NEWSWIRE, PUMP FAKE DIVISION
October 9, 2018
SFL Headquarters – As the Simulation Football League’s exciting eleventh season draws to a close this week, preparations are being made to welcome the already burgeoning rookie community into the SFL fold. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, this season’s crop of rookies have already made an impression on team owners and league officials and have already began chomping at the bit to start loading their own legend. However, with all this enthusiasm comes a few road bumps – the largest one at the moment being the player names allowed on-field. The Pump Fake division in the Beat Team, responsible for previous articles such as Keys to the Playoffs and Power Rankings: Uniform Edition, recently met with officials in the League Headquarters to compile and provide a list of names that are not considered to meet the rigorous guidelines of the Simulation Football League. Please note that this list is in no way exhaustive and that the League has already placed a ban on homophonic names thanks to the Season 8 Eric Bahrklee / Erik Barkley / Arrick Broccoli fiasco.
THESE NAMES WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED AS ACCEPTABLE FOR THE SIMULATION FOOTBALL LEAGUE’S TWELFTH SEASON:
- Any name with a vulgarity in it. This includes Derek Assmore, Sam Crapp, and Rhett Schitte. This also includes personal attacks on other SFL players, so have a seat, Bentley Sucks and Alexander “Small Ugly” Domingo (which skates on thin ice already thanks to the homophonic rule)!
- Sexually suggestive names, such as Rod Tuggy, Dick Swingo, Taint Sweatmore and Chesty Bazonga, as well as Phat and Hung Dong
- Politically charged names, such as Chester A. Arthur, Adolph Stalin, and Republican Q. Democrat
- Please note that as a corollary to the above, players whose names reflect official titles will have their nobility checked to ensure no paupers are posing as princes. Exempt from this rule are Ray King-Ball and King Wallis, who have both threatened swift decapitation the moment this beat writer steps foot onto their lands.
- The name “Steven” is no longer allowed. This was a unanimously accepted change.
- Names that reflect real life personalities. From an anonymous League Official: “I’ve turned down thirteen Emeril Lagasse’s this week alone. If I hear “BAM!” one more time, I’m gonna kick someone up a notch with extreme prejudice.”
- Every name listed here: http://wesclark.com/ubn/males.html
- Every name listed here http://wesclark.com/ubn/females.html
- Copyrighted item names, such as [NAME REDACTED], [NAME REDACTED] and especially [NAME REDACTED] – let’s load our own legends, not continue building [NAME REDACTED]’s.
- Please, stop naming yourself Wendy McDonald, the Burger King. She takes her title very seriously, has been confirmed to be the one true burger heir by the exhaustive SFL background check, and cannot take any more jokes about fast food.
- The forename “Lil” is frowned upon and considered a self-fulfilling omen as to the length of your on-field SFL career.
- Acronyms are also not considered as official names – it’s very difficult to fit B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. on the back of a jersey!
- Usage of nouns and verbs, such as Squeeze Juicebox, or Crash Combs. Exempted from this rule is Aman Takess, whose name the Competition Committee cannot figure out if it is a verb or a super-verb.
- Related to the ban on “Steven,” “Geoff” is also no longer allowed. Jeff is fine.
- Any of the following combinations: Burt Ferguson, Turd Reynolds, Ferg Turduson, Burf Terguson, Fergus Burtolds
- MYTHICAL CREATURE NAMES WILL BE TAKEN ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS. Scylla Charybdis, you might want to rethink your player name. Artemis Locksley, I think you’ll be alright.
- Related: Dad Jokes – if I catch anybody with the name Watts Kraken, it’ll be the SFL Official Punishment Paddle against your backside!
- Beef is not an acceptable first or last name. Beef A’Roni – come on. What is this, amateur hour? Get out of here with that.
- Every single name from the Final Fantasy series, including actual names like Seymour. This is at the behest of a pre-emptive cease and desist letter sent by their publisher. Sorry, Fran Sephiroth, but it looks like it’s back to the drawing board for you!
- Variations on Cameron Irvine are not allowed. Variations on Andrew Rastelli are encouraged.
- Related to nobility titles, prefixes such as Doctor or Professor will be subject to the rigorous background check – you didn’t spend 10 years in graduate school to suffer a case of stolen valor at the hands of a young whippersnapper who wishes to be called Professor Pain (not allowed – see the Noun / Verb rule above).
- City names are also frowned upon – looking at you, Lincoln Gulfport.
As a reminder, this list is in no way exhaustive or comprehensive as to the truly, frighteningly large amount of banned player names in the Simulation Football League. In fact, it isn’t even a real list at all, but instead one hastily cobbled together in a last-minute attempt to prevent me from being ousted from the Beat Writer team due to “low effort,” whatever the hell that is. If you have any questions regarding name legality, OR you want to drop the Beat Writing team a tip, please send all inquiries (in standardized triplicate, please) to:
ATTN: Pump Fake Division
Simulation Football League
Dallas, TX 75201