By Dylan Aciel
Every Team’s Key To Playoff Success
With more and more teams being added every season in this rapidly expanding (no body shaming) league, playoff dreams become harder and harder to achieve – just ask Andy Hamilton. Yet each team has that chance and potential within them, and with the playoffs looming, I decided to break down what each team needs to do in order to make a playoff push – yes, even you poor souls that mathematically can’t make it.
Disclaimer: All individuals that this article could potentially affect have OK’ed it to go ahead. Luckily, they are thick-skinned folk with a funny bone. Yes, it’s supposed to be satirical, so don’t be a fun sponge, put away the inner ‘Buzz Killington’ and get on board.
St Louis Gladiators
- Move Ethan Kye to wide receiver, Nick Finch to quarterback, Dylan Aciel to running back and Denzel Diaz to the stands, equipped with a sniper rifle, used to shoot the ankles of opposing running backs before they break another 500-yard touchdown. Top tip: save enough bullets for the backup. If all else fails, learn the Crane Technique. Matthew Martin has.
Oklahoma City Renegades
- “OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC OKC”…because chanting works, right?
Indianapolis Red Devils
- Convince Tom Pepper to not retire at halftime, Vontae Davis style. Moreover, mix sport and public transport by inventing the Keith ‘Swearengine’. Even the ‘great‘ Aman Takess wouldn’t tackle a train.
- Take advantage of Geico’s excellent prices to buy an ACL insurance plan. Pay for it by returning one of Nathan Lee’s 293 animations to the QB store.
- Take Kentez Johnson’s ego and manifest it into physical form, using it’s colossal size to create an impenetrable defensive barrier.
- Realize you have no shot at making the playoffs, and act like you made the playoffs anyways. Confidence is key, misguided confidence is even better. May I have just created the new Vancouver Team Motto?
- Jared Willis is not a running back. He is a combination rb/wr/te/punter. He is the E-back. And the league will never be the same. Top tip: Employ Willis in the Wildcat formation for greatest effect.
San Francisco Sharks
- Great on offense, weak on defense. You know who they need on defense? Rob Roby’s son. He got caught in the crossfire of a shooting and took a bullet. He’s harder than anybody else in the league. Plus he’s probably got a hella cool scar. Mad respect.
(P.S. He made a full recovery and is doing well)
- Night camouflage. Why hasn’t anyone ever used night camouflage? Turn out the lights in the middle of the game and bam, nobody can see you. Plus then, AJ Shaun might finally get an interception.
- Push for the playoffs by not making the playoffs. You’ll only lose anyway. We all know it. Better lose now than in the playoffs, slumped on soggy turf listening to a sorrowful rendition of ‘Purple Rain’.
- Everything is fine as long as the Secret is kept. The Secret must be protected. Under no circumstance can the Secret be revealed. It must be guarded with your life. Yes you. Reading this article.
Queen City Corsairs
- The team is great, I’m more worried about the stadium. The working cannons and shark filled water may seem cute, but that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Mexico City Aztecs
- Teach the entire team Spanish to prevent signal stealing. I’m looking at you, Queen City. Side note: Ray Bentley isn’t smart enough to learn another language, so just read him the Taco Bell menu so he feels included.
Las Vegas Fury
- I know literally nothing about this team. They could just vanish and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. I think Anthony Wyo is on that team? Your guess is as good as mine. I’d ask him but he’s usually pretty quiet.
New Orleans Pharaohs
- Go back to Week 2 and beat St. Louis. Actually, go back to the offseason and change the no progression after a bye week rule. Actually, go back to the off off season and sign Tom Pepper. Just kidding. Don’t do that.
- Jack Lwishwchwbjsod. Zack Luciwixbwjdoehw. Shock Lcbwbsoxnw. This is going to be the first team to run a four wide receiver set. The Hands brothers on the outside, Crash Combs in the slot, and Chris Braun on the bench.
- The Great Aman is great. You know whose greater? Anyone else in the league. D+ draft grade, should’ve picked Jeff Melonhead.
- The more neon the uniforms, the brighter the sun in the QBs eyes. This is next level tactics. It’s a shame Marcus Dunhill seems to suffer from the same issues.
- Weren’t they good? Now they’re okay. Get better. Also, should’ve drafted Aman Takess.
- Fire everyone. Except Crash. We like Crash.
Sioux Falls Sparrows
- Change nothing. You’re doing amazing sweetie. (This is mainly due to it being the end of the article and my apathy with writing anything useful at this point. Sorry).